You know how you try to change things about yourself well of what you could change so you could feel better about yourself? Does it ever not work? My sister did my hair last night and it looks awesome! The color and cut is completely different then anything I've had in awhile. I've had blonde highlights and chunks of blonde, but never because a full blonde. The hair looks awesome. I just wish I felt that way about myself as well. I HATE looking in the mirror and looking at myself. I wish I could have the confidence many people I know have. Its like no matter how much weight I lose or make up I wear or don't wear I just can't seem to build the confidence I want. I really don't know what happened to me that I just can't build it up no matter how much I try. Its pretty pathetic.

The winter always makes things worse as well. I have a love hate relationship with the winter. I used to love the cold, but not so much anymore. The winter drags and is just so gloomy. What I love about winter is when we have snow, but since it doesn't look like we are getting much of that this season I'd like Spring to come already so maybe I can get back to myself. At this point I feel like I have no one other then family. And I obviously can't be with them all the time. I really have no one else. No matter how many 'friends' you have I always question is that what they really are because they aren't really there for you when you need them most or even when you don't need them. I feel everyone is really an acquaintance because families are really the only people there in the end for you no matter what. You could call your family at 11 at night or 12 at night and they would pick up. And if they were sleeping they would make sure to call you back or at least text to make sure everything is okay. Not so much friends, which is fine because thats why they are friends and not family. Ah so much going through my head today. Probably because of the crappy day it is and the fact i'm alone so I can think way too much. I hate thinking. It makes me miss things and people that I shouldn't and just a mess of things. I can't even think straight today. I try so much to live up to peoples standards as friends and try to be there as much as I can, but I've realized that there is no point in doing that anymore because I can give my all and I get nothing back. Its been like this forever now. Oh well.

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”