Every weekend I say the same thing.  I can't believe how quickly it goes. One minute its Friday the next minute it is already Sunday. I hate Sundays just because I hate Mondays, but who doesn't? Anyway I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop complaining and just do. My parents had come over yesterday and we were just talking and they made me realize I really don't have it bad. Everyone goes through shit. Instead of complaining I need to realize all the good things I do have and how much of my life is left that I can still accomplish all the great things that I want too.

I've always wanted to write obviously I have said this many times in my previous blogs and because my job doesn't center around writing I can just find a bunch of freelancing jobs so I can still do what I love most. Write. Writing will always be a passion whether or not it becomes a full-time job for me. I still remember the stupid dinky story I wrote when I was probably about nine. It was called "My crazy loca life" considering loca is crazy I don't really know why I wrote both, but then again I was only nine. I've always known I wanted to write I get my writing skills from  my mom who is an extremely talented writer. At least she passed that down to me because she also passed down the lovely migraines I get every single day. Thanks mom! I didn't really confirm what I wanted to be until my second year of college when I realized writing was my dream and also something I am really good at. At least if I am freelancing my writing will get out there and maybe I can help someone with my writing. It is a passion of mine and will never give up on it.

Also I realized with the help of my family that no matter how hurt I am with the guy that hurt me if I keep complaining about it I will never get over him. As hard as it is it isn't even worth it anymore because we obviously won't ever be together and he doesn't deserve all the thought I put into him. And if I don't get over him I will never be able to put myself out there again, which I guess I need to do eventually since I do want to get married one day. I always have a guard up and probably will for awhile, but I think it is time to just try to let go and move on then thinking of the what ifs. That only makes it harder for me.

I have so much going for me so why let one guy get in the way of my happiness especially when it isn't deserved. I have goals in my life and I have to strive for them as much as I can even if I fail at least I know I tried.

Just like my favorite quote says "The only people who never fail are those who never try," Ilka Chase
This has been my favorite quote since 8th grade when I walked into my English Class. I remember when I got home from the first day of school I had told my mom about it and what it meant to me and she put this quote in a frame for me, and now it hangs up in my office so anytime I feel down or not motivated I look at it. This quote has left such an everlasting impression on me and everyone should live by it. If you don't try you don't fail, but at least if you try and fail at least you know you tried, and the next time you may become successful. 


That is all for today :)

 

Its weird when you  are younger you have all these dreams for yourself to become an actor, model, dancer, singer etc all things that are really out of reach unless you really have the talent or the connections. Especially today you need all the connections you can get. The economy is obviously not in great shape now a days and it is extremely hard to get a job especially one you've always dreamed of. Many friends I know are taking what they can get with an exception of a few people I know that actually got the job they have always wanted. It is weird though as you go to school you are taught to do well in high school to go to a good college to graduate and get a good job, but things are so different. If I hadn't gotten the great job that I have now who knows where I would be working or what I would be doing.

I still have my dream of becoming an editor of a magazine one day or having my own column in a magazine even a newspaper, but seeing how newspapers are becoming less and less available I figure by the time I can make that dream happen newspapers may no longer be around. Hopefully magazines won't ever go out of style because I simply do not want to read a magazine on the computer. I don't know about all of you, but I can only read so much on the computer and to have to go through 160 pages of a magazine isn't really fun. I'm hoping I can find somewhere I can freelance on either a daily basis, weekly basis or even monthly basis at this point so I can eventually reach my dream of becoming an editor or having my own column. I used to have this whole plan in my head and I really thought I'd get there. Obviously now I don't think that not because I don't think I can do it, but because so much has changed and I don't know if that is the direction I would want to go in. I used to have this plan in my head that I would move to the city get a job at Cosmopolitan and eventually go up on the ladder and have my own column or go off to another magazine and have my own column or become editor. Who was I kidding? Obviously myself. There are so many other writers out there especially ones that can write a whole lot better then I can, and those are the ones that will climb the ladder further then I ever will.

 Luckily for me I landed a great job that many people my age can't say. I still have those hopes though that I can somehow live out my dream. Maybe not move to the city because I've realized that is not for me, but maybe everything else will be possible. Who knows? I know I am still young and have a whole life to live, but when there is always someone that is going to be better then me how do I even get myself to where I want to be? Guess I'll find out sooner or later.

You know how you try to change things about yourself well of what you could change so you could feel better about yourself? Does it ever not work? My sister did my hair last night and it looks awesome! The color and cut is completely different then anything I've had in awhile. I've had blonde highlights and chunks of blonde, but never because a full blonde. The hair looks awesome. I just wish I felt that way about myself as well. I HATE looking in the mirror and looking at myself. I wish I could have the confidence many people I know have. Its like no matter how much weight I lose or make up I wear or don't wear I just can't seem to build the confidence I want. I really don't know what happened to me that I just can't build it up no matter how much I try. Its pretty pathetic.

The winter always makes things worse as well. I have a love hate relationship with the winter. I used to love the cold, but not so much anymore. The winter drags and is just so gloomy. What I love about winter is when we have snow, but since it doesn't look like we are getting much of that this season I'd like Spring to come already so maybe I can get back to myself. At this point I feel like I have no one other then family. And I obviously can't be with them all the time. I really have no one else. No matter how many 'friends' you have I always question is that what they really are because they aren't really there for you when you need them most or even when you don't need them. I feel everyone is really an acquaintance because families are really the only people there in the end for you no matter what. You could call your family at 11 at night or 12 at night and they would pick up. And if they were sleeping they would make sure to call you back or at least text to make sure everything is okay. Not so much friends, which is fine because thats why they are friends and not family. Ah so much going through my head today. Probably because of the crappy day it is and the fact i'm alone so I can think way too much. I hate thinking. It makes me miss things and people that I shouldn't and just a mess of things. I can't even think straight today. I try so much to live up to peoples standards as friends and try to be there as much as I can, but I've realized that there is no point in doing that anymore because I can give my all and I get nothing back. Its been like this forever now. Oh well.

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”

Do you know what the worse part about getting over someone is? When you actually think you are finally doing it then you smell something that reminds you of them, watch a show that reminds you of them, a song, or even just a slight moment, and once that moment happens all you do is think about them over and over. That is the one thing I HATE most about trying to get over someone.Especially knowing how many years I spent thinking about him to now have to cut out every thought and memory out because even keeping the slightest memory in my mind will make me miss him and want to see him again even knowing he is the worse possible person for me. Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward some time so I could rush through the whole getting over process and heartbreak I feel sometimes. Especially the pain of seeing him for the last time and how it all just fell apart worse then it already fallen apart. He obviously wasn't a good guy (for me anyway) and here I am heartbroken and I guarantee 1000% he never even gave a second thought since he last saw me. Why would he anyway? I probably just wasn't good enough for him, which sucks because no matter what he did or what happened I always thought he was good enough for me.

At this point now I know he wasn't And I would never give it a second thought being with him for many reasons I am not even going to begin with. All that matters to me is in the end is that he ends up happy and so do I. Luckily for me I just keep giving myself more distractions so a minute I am alone another distraction will come up. Minus the fact that I am at work and have finished all my work and I had that moment that just brought memories back that I wish I could stuff away and never think about again.

Maybe time will go quickly and before I know it it'll be the summer and he will be all just the distant memory of another lesson in my life.

Never thought I'd say this, but I am actually happy to be going back to work tomorrow. After basically being stuck in the house for a week It'll be nice to get out except my poor kitties will be all alone. I just adopted two new cats. One cat is black and his name is Scorpio. He has yet to come to me since he went in hiding yesterday. The other cat she is white with black and orange spots. Her name is Aries, but she is at the vet today getting fixed. I felt so bad leaving her she looked so sad and didn't understand what was going on. I felt awful. At least I'll have her back tomorrow, but my other cat he won't stop MEOWING!

Anyway you know what I find extremely aggravating when people always have to assume you are mad at them. How can you be mad at someone you rarely even talk too anymore. Maybe talk to the person once a week IF that. I mean I have enough of my own problems and so does she yet the first time you talk in a week there has to be something wrong because you can't afford to go out to eat the following weekend and decided that you weren't doing it. So oh no guess you're mad what did you do now. I have enough of my own issues to be thinking about another reason to be mad.  I am just so over things with everyone. I am going to be the cat lady and adopt 100 cats and live with them and never talk to anyone else. Except my family. That sounds perfect to me.

There are always things you learn and one thing is you should always listen to your parents haha. I've been sick the past week and a half, and my parents kept telling me to go to the doctor, but I am a stubborn person and didn't listen until of course this morning when I woke up with such excruciating pain in my ears and realized I had to go. Well.... it turns out I have Bronchitis and Sinusitis. Guess I should have listened to my parents after all. I figured since both my sisters and brother-in-law had most the same symptoms and they didn't go to a doctor and were fine that I would be too, but I was wrong. So now I have been in bed literally all day, but at least I accomplished one thing I read an entire book in four hours. I am a complete dork when it comes to reading I am actually about to start another book in a little.

I have come to the realization that I am a complete hopeless romantic no many how many times I try to deny it when my sister brings it up, but I am. I love all those mushy movies especially The Notebook, which is my ultimate favorite movie. And I am SO excited for The Vow to come out in February. I think I am so fascinated with all the lovey dovey stuff because I have never actually experienced that in a relationship. All I've experienced is heartbreak or never actually going on dates so I just dive into fantasy especially books and movies because at least those don't show what a pathetic love life I endure in. But lets face it my generation of guys SUCK. Maybe not ALL, but most of them. None of them go out on dates and all they want to do is get you in bed. I mean I get it they are young and want to have fun it just makes it harder for my age of women to be able to go out and date unless you find that one good guy, which I so obviously haven't yet. I find guys that lose their jobs and licenses and have no life goals in their life. I find guys that mooch off of other people and also guys that use people. It doesn't matter what it is they just use everyone no matter what.

I've realized no matter what you feel for a guy if they don't care for you at the beginning they won't care for you at the end. No point in trying to make it happen. Especially not for three or four years later.

Luckily for me at this point I've decided to just do me right now. I am going to focus on myself and get to where I want to be because I am not settling for any less then I deserve, and maybe sooner or later I'll find that guy for me.

Time changes...

When you are younger all you want to do is grow up and become an adult, and when it actually happens you want to go back to childhood. I can't believe it is 2012 already. I feel like 2011 just came and now its over. I can't say i'm not happy about it because I am, but the last year has completely changed me and I have grown up so much in so little time. In 365 days I have accomplished so much that I never thought would happen. Ever. I graduated college and six years ago that would have never crossed mind. And now I have a full - time job and am moved out on my own. All of this happened in just one year. Things move so quickly it is insane. I also was finally able to move on from people holding me back in many ways especially emotionally. I still wish I had gotten the closure I really wanted, but with this person it was never going to happen no matter how many times I tried for closure he never let me get it. So all in all he just had to be out of my life. It sucks when you fall for someone that will never reciprocate their feelings. I guess it is just another one of life lessons that I had to go through. Maybe it took me three years almost four to actually go through it, but at least I finally was able to do it. As long as I could hold strong to it I can keep pushing myself forward and as the years pass I'll be able to accomplish more and grow more into someone I want to be and find someone that will want to be with me. Too many jumbled thoughts in my head.