I am so happy that it is finally going to be Friday tomorrow! I feel sometimes that the days dragggg like crazy! Today is my moms birthday, and I already wished her a happy birthday and I'll wish her a happy birthday here! My mom is the most amazing mom ever and I don't know what I would do without her. She is an amazing woman and brought me up right and without her I don't know where I would be without her. Also The Vow comes out tomorrow! I am so excited because I am a super duper romantic and can't wait to probably cry my eyes out and wish I had a love like they have in the movie especially because Valentines Day is coming up and I can't stand this holiday because every year I have to see I am single, but luckily this year I have Jess since we are going to celebrate it together this year since Matt is going to be in North Carolina.

Anyway I don't really know why my mind is so jumbled. Can't really think right now So I am just going to be done with this awful blog today.

Seriously I've never known someone that was always sick except myself. About a month ago I had bronchitis and then I am guessing it never actually went away because I had to go to the doctors on Friday because I was absolutely miserable and was getting worse each day. I ended up still having bronchitis. Of course the worse weekend to be sick because it is Super Bowl Weekend and the Giants are playing! I had plans all weekend that had to be canceled and finally I am feeling better, but I can't even chance going out and getting sick again because of work. So instead I am having my own pitiful Super Bowl party here with my kitties. This is definitely one of the downfalls about the real world. When I was in college and sick I would still go out even if I had a temperature and sick because all I had to worry about was class. Now I actually have to worry about work and a paycheck so it isn't that easy anymore.

One of the good things is my favorite TV show is on Sex and the City and then the Super Bowl comes on so at least I am somewhat occupied. And granted I haven't really eaten anything in a few days I pre ordered my super bowl food so I could somewhat feel like I am doing something. Not really sure if I will be able to eat since I haven't had much of an appetite, but at least I can try and if not I'll have leftovers all week! I just hope that after this weekend I am completely healthy again so I can actually get out next weekend like I had planned this weekend. This being sick nonsense is quite obnoxious. This weather doesn't help either. If we aren't going to have snow and the weather is going to be 60 one day and 40 the next can it just stay 60 so I can stop getting sick? I'd much appreciate it. This winter sucks. I wanted one big snow storm. That is all I wanted and it doesn't seem like it is coming anytime soon. Well that is all for today.

I might be the most unorganized person there is. I can never keep track of where I put things and my handwriting is terrible. My handwriting is worse then a guys handwriting. Thankfully there are computers or I would have never done well with my essays because my teachers wouldn't have been able to read it. I have realized though I always go into a panic when I am running late well for me. I don't have to be at work until 9 yet I get there between 7:45-8 everyday. I try to sleep later and try to leave later, but it just never works. I actually get into really bad moods when I run late and leave later then I normally do. If I am not out of my place by 6:45- 6:50 I get anxiety as if I am going to be late to work even though I don't need to be there until 9.

One of my co-workers make fun of me all the time because I get here so early. I explain to her that I have to be everywhere early. I was always like that. I hated high school yet I would get to school at 6:45-7:00 and school didn't start until 7:25. I was the same way with college as well. I'd get to my classes about an hour before they started.I have tried many times to leave late and get there by at least 8:30, but it just doesn't work for me. I guess you can say that is a good quality I have. Now that I have my two kitties that is just one added thing I have to do in the morning, which is clean the litter and vacuum since they get it EVERYWHERE and when I say everywhere I mean it. That is an extra 10 minutes I spend so I have been crazy with anxiety, which is so silly because I've realized I leave at 7 and still get to work by 8.

I guess I just like getting to work early to get it started. Like they say the early bird gets the worm. Have a good day ;)

Every weekend I say the same thing.  I can't believe how quickly it goes. One minute its Friday the next minute it is already Sunday. I hate Sundays just because I hate Mondays, but who doesn't? Anyway I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop complaining and just do. My parents had come over yesterday and we were just talking and they made me realize I really don't have it bad. Everyone goes through shit. Instead of complaining I need to realize all the good things I do have and how much of my life is left that I can still accomplish all the great things that I want too.

I've always wanted to write obviously I have said this many times in my previous blogs and because my job doesn't center around writing I can just find a bunch of freelancing jobs so I can still do what I love most. Write. Writing will always be a passion whether or not it becomes a full-time job for me. I still remember the stupid dinky story I wrote when I was probably about nine. It was called "My crazy loca life" considering loca is crazy I don't really know why I wrote both, but then again I was only nine. I've always known I wanted to write I get my writing skills from  my mom who is an extremely talented writer. At least she passed that down to me because she also passed down the lovely migraines I get every single day. Thanks mom! I didn't really confirm what I wanted to be until my second year of college when I realized writing was my dream and also something I am really good at. At least if I am freelancing my writing will get out there and maybe I can help someone with my writing. It is a passion of mine and will never give up on it.

Also I realized with the help of my family that no matter how hurt I am with the guy that hurt me if I keep complaining about it I will never get over him. As hard as it is it isn't even worth it anymore because we obviously won't ever be together and he doesn't deserve all the thought I put into him. And if I don't get over him I will never be able to put myself out there again, which I guess I need to do eventually since I do want to get married one day. I always have a guard up and probably will for awhile, but I think it is time to just try to let go and move on then thinking of the what ifs. That only makes it harder for me.

I have so much going for me so why let one guy get in the way of my happiness especially when it isn't deserved. I have goals in my life and I have to strive for them as much as I can even if I fail at least I know I tried.

Just like my favorite quote says "The only people who never fail are those who never try," Ilka Chase
This has been my favorite quote since 8th grade when I walked into my English Class. I remember when I got home from the first day of school I had told my mom about it and what it meant to me and she put this quote in a frame for me, and now it hangs up in my office so anytime I feel down or not motivated I look at it. This quote has left such an everlasting impression on me and everyone should live by it. If you don't try you don't fail, but at least if you try and fail at least you know you tried, and the next time you may become successful. 


That is all for today :)

 

Its weird when you  are younger you have all these dreams for yourself to become an actor, model, dancer, singer etc all things that are really out of reach unless you really have the talent or the connections. Especially today you need all the connections you can get. The economy is obviously not in great shape now a days and it is extremely hard to get a job especially one you've always dreamed of. Many friends I know are taking what they can get with an exception of a few people I know that actually got the job they have always wanted. It is weird though as you go to school you are taught to do well in high school to go to a good college to graduate and get a good job, but things are so different. If I hadn't gotten the great job that I have now who knows where I would be working or what I would be doing.

I still have my dream of becoming an editor of a magazine one day or having my own column in a magazine even a newspaper, but seeing how newspapers are becoming less and less available I figure by the time I can make that dream happen newspapers may no longer be around. Hopefully magazines won't ever go out of style because I simply do not want to read a magazine on the computer. I don't know about all of you, but I can only read so much on the computer and to have to go through 160 pages of a magazine isn't really fun. I'm hoping I can find somewhere I can freelance on either a daily basis, weekly basis or even monthly basis at this point so I can eventually reach my dream of becoming an editor or having my own column. I used to have this whole plan in my head and I really thought I'd get there. Obviously now I don't think that not because I don't think I can do it, but because so much has changed and I don't know if that is the direction I would want to go in. I used to have this plan in my head that I would move to the city get a job at Cosmopolitan and eventually go up on the ladder and have my own column or go off to another magazine and have my own column or become editor. Who was I kidding? Obviously myself. There are so many other writers out there especially ones that can write a whole lot better then I can, and those are the ones that will climb the ladder further then I ever will.

 Luckily for me I landed a great job that many people my age can't say. I still have those hopes though that I can somehow live out my dream. Maybe not move to the city because I've realized that is not for me, but maybe everything else will be possible. Who knows? I know I am still young and have a whole life to live, but when there is always someone that is going to be better then me how do I even get myself to where I want to be? Guess I'll find out sooner or later.

You know how you try to change things about yourself well of what you could change so you could feel better about yourself? Does it ever not work? My sister did my hair last night and it looks awesome! The color and cut is completely different then anything I've had in awhile. I've had blonde highlights and chunks of blonde, but never because a full blonde. The hair looks awesome. I just wish I felt that way about myself as well. I HATE looking in the mirror and looking at myself. I wish I could have the confidence many people I know have. Its like no matter how much weight I lose or make up I wear or don't wear I just can't seem to build the confidence I want. I really don't know what happened to me that I just can't build it up no matter how much I try. Its pretty pathetic.

The winter always makes things worse as well. I have a love hate relationship with the winter. I used to love the cold, but not so much anymore. The winter drags and is just so gloomy. What I love about winter is when we have snow, but since it doesn't look like we are getting much of that this season I'd like Spring to come already so maybe I can get back to myself. At this point I feel like I have no one other then family. And I obviously can't be with them all the time. I really have no one else. No matter how many 'friends' you have I always question is that what they really are because they aren't really there for you when you need them most or even when you don't need them. I feel everyone is really an acquaintance because families are really the only people there in the end for you no matter what. You could call your family at 11 at night or 12 at night and they would pick up. And if they were sleeping they would make sure to call you back or at least text to make sure everything is okay. Not so much friends, which is fine because thats why they are friends and not family. Ah so much going through my head today. Probably because of the crappy day it is and the fact i'm alone so I can think way too much. I hate thinking. It makes me miss things and people that I shouldn't and just a mess of things. I can't even think straight today. I try so much to live up to peoples standards as friends and try to be there as much as I can, but I've realized that there is no point in doing that anymore because I can give my all and I get nothing back. Its been like this forever now. Oh well.

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”

Do you know what the worse part about getting over someone is? When you actually think you are finally doing it then you smell something that reminds you of them, watch a show that reminds you of them, a song, or even just a slight moment, and once that moment happens all you do is think about them over and over. That is the one thing I HATE most about trying to get over someone.Especially knowing how many years I spent thinking about him to now have to cut out every thought and memory out because even keeping the slightest memory in my mind will make me miss him and want to see him again even knowing he is the worse possible person for me. Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward some time so I could rush through the whole getting over process and heartbreak I feel sometimes. Especially the pain of seeing him for the last time and how it all just fell apart worse then it already fallen apart. He obviously wasn't a good guy (for me anyway) and here I am heartbroken and I guarantee 1000% he never even gave a second thought since he last saw me. Why would he anyway? I probably just wasn't good enough for him, which sucks because no matter what he did or what happened I always thought he was good enough for me.

At this point now I know he wasn't And I would never give it a second thought being with him for many reasons I am not even going to begin with. All that matters to me is in the end is that he ends up happy and so do I. Luckily for me I just keep giving myself more distractions so a minute I am alone another distraction will come up. Minus the fact that I am at work and have finished all my work and I had that moment that just brought memories back that I wish I could stuff away and never think about again.

Maybe time will go quickly and before I know it it'll be the summer and he will be all just the distant memory of another lesson in my life.